November 3rd

Tame the Tongue

            So also the tongue is a small member, yet it boasts of great exploits. How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire!  And the tongue is a fire. The tongue is placed among our members as a world of iniquity; it stains the whole body, sets on fire the cycle of nature, and is itself set on fire by hell.  For every species of beast and bird, of reptile and sea creature, can be tamed and has been tamed by the human species,  but no one can tame the tongue—a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse those who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this ought not to be so.  Does a spring pour forth from the same opening both fresh and brackish water?  Can a fig tree, my brothers and sisters, yield olives, or a grapevine figs? No more can salt water yield fresh.

James 6:5-12

  

           Tame the tongue.  Harness it.  Control it.  Make your words do what you want them to do.  This is the call that James has for his readers.  It sounds so simple.

            It is not.  It is hard…profoundly hard.  Our words get away from us all the time.  We say things we do not mean.  We say things that make no sense.  We say things that are meant to be funny but end up hurting people that we care about.  Words are our first line of defense when we feel threatened or insecure and we use them instinctively to protect ourselves and put down others.  We use our words to build people up and tear people down and it should not be that way.

            How much of my life has been spent trying to help my son get control of his words?  First we struggled with getting him to speak at all.  For years all that he said was “Laddle laddle laddle.”  Then we moved on to movie quotes.  Then we added chirps and squeaks.  Then there was the struggle with humor.  Then there were attempts at conversation and trying to show some interest in other people.  And now we wrestle with intonation and word choice and inflection and volume because what he communicates to people is not what he intends.

            Do you know what is the most helpful tool in taming the tongue?  Community.  We need other people who can come up to us and tell us that we were being harsh or spiteful.  We need people who can help us to hear what our words sound like to others…people who can reflect the reality of what we are saying.  That is what my wife and I have done with our son.  We tell him when he had a good interaction.  We gently remind him to lower his voice or take the panic out of his expression or step back a little bit so that the other person has some more personal space. 

            We need people who can give us similar feedback.  When were we spot on?  When were we just babbling?  When were we tearing people down unintentionally?  We need people who can give us good, honest feedback and we need to have the humility to accept it.  That is how we tame our tongue effectively.

            I was in college listening to a short talk being given by one of my friends, speaking on this very passage.  Every time that she used the word, “sarcasm,” she stared straight at me.  She said it was not intentional, but the message was clear: I was known for having sharp, clever words that bought me respect but cost me relationships.  I could have sarcasm or I could have healthy community but I could not have both.  My friends were willing to call me into accountability when I was sarcastic and they were willing to help me figure out other ways to communicate.

            We do not tame the tongue on our own and most of us are similar to those who are on the autism spectrum: we have to be taught how to speak well because we will not pick it up by ourselves.

           

A moment to reflect:

Where do you need to tame your tongue?  Who can help you?