November 29th

Rebuilding the Temple

                When the builders laid the foundation of the temple of the Lord, the priests in their vestments were stationed to praise the Lord with trumpets, and the Levites, the sons of Asaph, with cymbals, according to the directions of King David of Israel;  and they sang responsively, praising and giving thanks to the Lord, “For he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever toward Israel.”

            And all the people responded with a great shout when they praised the Lord, because the foundation of the house of the Lord was laid.  But many of the priests and Levites and heads of families, old people who had seen the first house on its foundations, wept with a loud voice when they saw this house, though many shouted aloud for joy, so that the people could not distinguish the sound of the joyful shout from the sound of the people’s weeping, for the people shouted so loudly that the sound was heard far away.

Ezra 3:10-13

             Joyful shouting intermixed with weeping.  For the Israelites, it was a reaction to the completion of the first step of rebuilding their destroyed temple.  It was confirmation of God’s care and provision.  It was old promises coming to life and discarded hopes being reborn.

            For us…we call it Friday.

            This life of parenting a child with autism is confusing on multiple levels.  One of the biggest sources of confusion has to do with our son’s emotions and how he expresses them or does not express them. 

            We get smiles with tears which usually means he is upset.  We get laughter with tears which usually means he is overwhelmed.  We have to avoid movies with happy endings so that we do not get ugly crying, which usually means he is happy.  We get anxiety with offers to help others.  We get no reaction at all when he has scraped his leg or twisted his knee, but the sound of a mosquito buzzing from three rooms away? Screaming that can be heard a mile away.

            How do you teach someone how to laugh or how to cry?  I can correct volume or personal space issues when these things are happening, but how do I teach my son how to regulate his emotional reactions when emotions are, inherently, resistant to regulation?  Maybe this seems like a non-issue.  Stop micromanaging your son.  Don’t make him conform to everyone else, just let him be himself and people will like him for who he is.

            No.  They won’t.  They have not in 18 years and they will not in the future.

            My experience is that confusing emotions make people extremely uncomfortable on a deep level and they leave…quickly.  I want my son to be able to laugh at a joke without people leaving.  I want my son to be able to sit through a movie that ends with people happy without people leaving.  I want my son to be able to tell a story without people leaving.  I am so very sick and tired of people leaving my boy.

            Maybe there is someone in this world who ugly cries at the same places and laughs at the same wrong places and does not mind too-close-talking, but we have not found them yet.  Until we do, I will just keep trying different strategies to help him cope with that big, gentle heart that he carries on his sleeve for all to see.  I will spoil movies for him so that he can mentally prepare himself for the experience.  I will find some physical activities that help relieve stress and decrease stimulus, like earplugs, stressballs, and foot soaking.  I will coach him through conversations over meals and sitting quietly during films and how to tell jokes and stories.  And I will not leave him, even when I do not understand what is going on inside that head of his.

            I don’t know if that is enough, but it is what I have.

A moment to reflect:

When does your child confuse you with their reactions?