December 16th

Wisdom’s Call

          Now then, my children, listen to me; blessed are those who keep my ways.  Listen to my instruction and be wise; do not disregard it.  Blessed are those who listen to me, watching daily at my doors, waiting at my doorway.  For those who find me find life and receive favor from the Lord.  But those who fail to find me harm themselves; all who hate me love death.”

Proverbs 8:32-36

            Wisdom is not something that we are born with.  It is not something that we just wake up one day and realize that we have.  It is not even something that we naturally absorb and pick up from being around other people.

            The acquisition of wisdom is active.  It is intentional.  It is focused.  Look at the passage above.  It involves listening and watching and waiting and finding.  It is a search…a treasure hunt.  It is studying the clues and discovering the answers and applying them to the correct circumstances. 

            There were many nights that I went to bed hoping that tomorrow I would figure it out.  Tomorrow I would know what to do.  Tomorrow it would all make sense.  I hoped that it would just click and I would be a wiser parent, a better parent after I slept for a few hours.  That is not how wisdom works.  Wisdom is found by going through the failures and discovering what did not work and trying to figure out why.  Wisdom is found by looking back at the successes and discovering what actually did work and why.  Wisdom is considering what we have never tried before and taking a risk while applying the lessons that we have learned from the past.  It is methodical.  It is exhausting and it requires more failure than I am comfortable with.

            Allow me to share some wisdom that we have gleaned over the past two decades about how to get through Christmas with our family in a good place:

·         Don’t travel.  As with most things on this list, this is not a universal but rather specifically what sets my family up well.  We learned that my son has a set of holiday traditions that he carries in his head.  They include where we go and what we do here at home.  Every Christmas vacation to visit family has been disastrous.  Every single one.  In large part because everyone was working so hard to make a holiday joyful when all my son wanted was to be home in his traditions.  Schedule the trip for January 2^nd instead and watch the stress level melt away.

·         Write a list at the beginning of the month.  This can be true for every month of the year, but especially December.  What do each of the kids want to do or see or watch or bake during this season?  Put it down on paper and then schedule when the things will happen.  Again, we discovered this wisdom after years that were filled with anxiety and crying because we did not meet uncommunicated expectations.

·         Christmas music.  If I want to listen to it during the rest of the year (which I often do) and I want my son to stay in the same room as me (which I often do), I need to put in ear buds and listen.  There is an acceptable season for all things and my musical desires fall outside of that range many times.

·         Christmas Eve.  We have adapted a version of the Icelandic tradition of Jolabokaflod: Books and chocolate.  Every year on Christmas Eve each member of the family gets a new book and a bar of chocolate and then can spend the evening reading in peace.  It has removed the anxiety about who is getting what.  It has brought a level of comfort to gift giving on Christmas Eve and allowed everyone to spend a silent, holy night together instead of being over-excited and on edge about the coming Christmas morning.

·         Short bursts with plenty of space.  This is a general rule of thumb that we follow, again based on years of experience of traumatic holidays.  Whether it is gift giving or family outings or Christmas decorating or cleaning around the house, everything works better if we go hard for a little while and then take a break.  It drives me crazy since I just want to knock the projects out, but the family is happier and healthier if we work hard and then rest regularly.

·         Aim for better, not great.  Progress is what we are looking for, not a story-book ending.

The Christmas season can be filled with joy and laughter and peace, but it does not happen by accident.  Our holidays are shaped by years-worth of trial and error and error and error, but through that we have found some wisdom.

May you be wise as well as you celebrate this most special time of year.

A moment to reflect:

What have you learned from past holidays that you can use to make this year go better?