July 8

The Problem of Pride

How much better to get wisdom than gold!
    To get understanding is to be chosen rather than silver.

 The highway of the upright avoids evil;
    those who guard their way preserve their lives.

Pride goes before destruction,
    and a haughty spirit before a fall.

            Proverbs 16:16-18

             

            Let’s talk about instilling self-worth into our children. 

            This is one of the greatest challenges that I daily encounter as a parent.  I want them to be proud but not proud.  By that, I mean I want them to be content with who they are and encouraged by what they have accomplished without being arrogant.  I want them to be brave and bold and confident and compassionate.  I want them to be free to take risks and be free to be generous and free to set audacious goals and work hard to achieve them.

            The solid foundation that allows people this freedom is self-worth.  The knowledge that you are loved beyond measure and that you are inherently valuable no matter your circumstances is what allows a life of adventure and generosity and joy.  And that is the life that I want for my children.  Loved and valuable are how God sees us…how God defines us.  We don’t earn them.  We don’t achieve them.  When my kids were born, they did nothing to earn my love and affection.  That came simply because they were my children.  That is the same with us and God. 

            The enemy of self-worth is Pride.  Pride rejects God’s definition of us in order to create a new one for ourselves.  Pride comes in two forms:  Arrogance and self-hatred.  They are usually tied together with one often being the preferred state.  It seems counter-intuitive that someone could think that they are better than everyone else in the room during one moment and then think that God made them the worst human on the planet in the next moment, until you realize that they are two sides of the same coin.

            Arrogance is most often associated with Pride.  Arrogance can be loud and brash or quiet and judgmental.  It is based on comparing yourself with other people and setting up the criteria so that you are found to be better.  Not just better at a skill, but better as a person.  Let’s say I am the best cook in the room.  I can make enchiladas while everyone else struggles with toast.  Arrogance looks at that difference and says that I am more valuable…I am more important…I am more worthy to be loved by God because of that skill and since I am more valuable, the others in the room should listen to me and honor me and follow me.  Someone else may be better at fixing cars, but Arrogance does not use that criteria to determine value…only what I am best at.

            Self-Hatred is the same thing only inverted.  Self-Hatred can be loud and brash (imagine someone who needs attention and makes themselves the butt of jokes) or it can be quiet and judgmental.  It is based on comparing yourself with other people and setting up the criteria so that you are found to be worse.  Not just worse at a skill, but worse as a person.  Let’s say I’m the worst mechanic in the room.  I know the key turns the car on and that’s about it while everyone else is talking about RPMs and carburetors and tire pressure.  Self-Hatred looks at that difference and says that I do not belong…I bring nothing to this room…my voice has no authority and I do not deserve to be loved by God or others because of my lack of skill and since I am less valuable, the others in the room would be better off without me…the world would be better off without me.  I may be the best cook, but Self-Hatred does not use that criteria to determine value…only what I am worst at.

            These are both Pride.  They create our value…our worth…our definition instead of embracing what God says about us.  We are loved.  We are valuable.  Just as we are.  And passing that on to our kids is really hard, because what they hear from the world is to measure themselves against the rest of the room and determine their value from there.   What can we do?  A couple of things come to mind:

·         Do not tie praise to performance.  I don’t mean to avoid telling them that they did a good job.  But do not only praise the kids when they win.  Or when they lose.  Or when they compete.  They are loved and valued all the time and it should not take a test or a race for us to remind them of that.

·         Talk about strengths and weaknesses.  We all have them.  Being able to identify what they are good at and where they are less gifted is helpful as we seek to separate value from skill.  A lack of skill does not mean failure.  It is an invitation into community with someone who has what we lack.

·         Remind them over and over of God’s definition of them.  This is the core of self-worth.  God sees us…all of us.  He knows our strengths and weaknesses and calls us Loved and Valuable, just as we are.  Reinforce that He sees them as amazing and precious and delightful and perfectly made.  They are Loved and Valuable because that is how He made them.

Remember, God’s view of us is the foundation for Life.  Pride comes before Destruction.

A moment to reflect:

How can you pass on self-worth to you kids this week?