February 16

Always be Ready

            Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have.  But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.

1 Peter 3:15-16.

             Peter advises us to always be ready to explain why we have chosen to follow Jesus.  People should see that your life of faith is distinctive from the world around you and that will prompt them to ask you questions or make accusations against you.  The encouragement is to answer their queries with gentleness and respect.  This is the hard part because their questions and accusations often do not have that same respectful tone.  The hope is that when we put words to our actions, the outside world will see Jesus shining through and come closer to Him.

            Similarly, we should be prepared to explain our parenting when people see us and have questions or make accusations.  I often forget that the world is watching because I am absorbed in getting through the daily tasks of life.  We have to explain our lives to friends when we can’t just go out to the movies together because we have burned through our babysitters.  We have to explain our lives to family when we lose days of our holiday visit because the boy is only sleeping from 10am to 4pm because we are in a new environment.  We have to explain to pastors and co-workers and therapists and teachers…oh the conversations that we have to have with teachers.

            The most challenging conversation that I had about explaining autism was with my son himself.  He was middle school age and my wife and I had been considering how to have the autism talk with him for a while and wrestling with the best way to do it without freaking him out.  I had been checking in with other special needs parents to see what they had done that had worked and what they had done that had not worked.  One parent shared their story with me and I thought it was inspired.

            One night they were having dinner after church and it came out that their child recognized that there was something different about himself, but what he had internalized was that it was the sin and darkness that was talked about in church that morning.  He had evil inside of himself which is why school was hard and people didn’t like him.  The parents decided that those impressions needed to be cut off right then and there.

            That very night they talked.  Their boy was really into superheroes at that point.  The parents talked about superhero origin stories and the challenges that superheroes have when they are learning to use their powers.  They talked about autism, how one of the effects of autism was that some senses were dulled while some were heightened and their son was in the middle of learning how to control his body.  He was not evil.  He was not dark inside.  He was simply learning his abilities and his challenges and the more that he worked on them, the more mastery he would have.

            I asked them what kind of an impact that conversation has had.  Truthfully, they were not sure.  It is hard to get inside that head of his.  He never refers back to it.  However, he also never refers to himself as dark and evil anymore.  I would take that as a win.  “Autism” is in his vocabulary now and there are times when he contemplates out loud whether this action or that behavior are tied to his autism.  Again, I would take that as another win. 

            Their story encourages me to be creative in talking to my boy about the reality of his life.  I continue to look for new ways to connect with him and with the world about autism and why our life looks the way that it does.  The hope is that when those conversations arise, our words will be matched with our actions and people will see Jesus and draw closer to Him.

           

A moment to reflect:

How have you talked to your child about their challenges?  If you have not broached the subject yet, here are a few helpful guidelines for when the timing is right:

·         Use concepts that they are familiar with.  Superheroes, trains, legos, whatever.

·         Frame their story so that they are not just a victim, but have power and agency.

·         Answer questions honestly

·         “I don’t know” and “We’ll find out” is usually better than speculation.

·         Allow them to have their own process.  Their job is not to carry your emotional baggage as well as working through their own.

·         Multiple short conversations are often better than one long one.