September 29th

Tamar

            About three months later Judah was told, “Your daughter-in-law Tamar has played the whore; moreover she is pregnant as a result of whoredom.” And Judah said, “Bring her out, and let her be burned.” As she was being brought out, she sent word to her father-in-law, “It was the owner of these who made me pregnant.” And she said, “Take note, please, whose these are, the signet and the cord and the staff.” Then Judah acknowledged them and said, “She is more in the right than I, since I did not give her to my son Shelah.” And he did not lie with her again.

Genesis 38:24-26

             

            Sometimes life leaves us with no good choices.  Tamar found herself in that situation.  Her previous two husbands had been killed by God for their wickedness.  Her father-in-law, Judah, was not going to risk the life of his youngest son with her so she was cast into limbo where she was still attached to a family, but not fully covered by their resources and relationships.  In a short period of time she would be past child-bearing years and cast out to fend for herself in a world that did not look kindly on solitary women.  A future of prostitution or slavery or begging was bearing down on her.

            She chose to trick Judah into sleeping with her and ended up bearing his heirs.  Tamar is not held up as the standard of virtue from the Bible.  No one would counsel their daughters to follow in her path.  But she took a lousy situation with no great choices and tried to find an option that would be best for her and her family and her faith.

            Sometimes life leaves us with no good choices.  I have seen this in the IDD world specifically in two circumstances:  care facilities and medication.  Both options arise because our beloved children, who we remember being tiny and fragile babies, have grown and developed behaviors that we can no longer manage or contain.  It could be aggression where they are lashing out and threatening themselves and others.  It could be depression where they disappear into themselves for hours and days at a time without eating or talking.  It could be that they have simply come to a place where we are not capable of meeting their daily needs and they need full-time, professional care.

            Do we start them on meds?  My wife and I have talked this through several times.  Would ADD meds help my son focus and be able to interact better with the world?  Would he be able to have better relationships?  Would he be able to do better in school?  Maybe.  Probably.  The risk is that there are side effects that could come along.  There are strong possibilities that medication could lead to unforeseen side effects such as aggression or suicidal tendencies.  When the patient is unable to give feedback around how the meds are affecting them, dangerous doors are opened.  Do we gamble the good life that we have now for one that is potentially better but also potentially catastrophically worse?

            Do we send them to care institutions?  I had friends with a daughter who was beyond their ability to care for her.  The best situation for her was in an out-of-state facility.  That meant splitting up their family and losing a part of themselves.  And it meant that their daily lives would be easier and less wearing on their bodies and sanity.  It was an agonizing decision.

            Sometimes life leaves us with no good choices.  Gamble with my child’s mental health or continue to let them struggle?  Split our family or continue to be overwhelmed?  Quit therapy or don’t pay the electric bill this month?  The decisions are filled with emotion and unintended consequences and searching for better alternatives and hoping for miracles.  When we come to these moments, here are a couple of helpful things:

·         Communicate:  Do not keep it all inside.  Talk it through with your spouse.  If they are not in the picture, talk it through with other members of your community.  Sometimes new perspectives will bring new options and we will realize we are not as trapped as we thought.

·         Fast and pray: For the big decisions, do whatever you can to listen for God’s direction.  That could involve going without food and praying more for a short season.

·         Re-examine assumptions: Put everything on the table.  Your job, your house, the church you go to, the city that you are living in.  Would your family’s life be better if any of those changed?

·         Journal: Write out your thoughts.  Write out your prayers to God and His responses.  It is amazing how much is bouncing around in our heads at any given time.  Sometimes writing everything out helps to bring clarity.

·         Trust God:  Trust that God loves you and loves your child and that those things will not change, even if we make the wrong choice.

Sometimes life leaves us with no good choices.

A moment to reflect:

When have you felt that you had no good choices?  How did you decide what to do?