September 13th

Saul and Jonathan

              Then Saul’s anger was kindled against Jonathan. He said to him, “You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you have chosen the son of Jesse to your own shame, and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness?  For as long as the son of Jesse lives upon the earth, neither you nor your kingdom shall be established. Now send and bring him to me, for he shall surely die.”  Then Jonathan answered his father Saul, “Why should he be put to death? What has he done?” But Saul threw his spear at him to strike him; so Jonathan knew that it was the decision of his father to put David to death. Jonathan rose from the table in fierce anger and ate no food on the second day of the month, for he was grieved for David, and because his father had disgraced him.

1 Samuel 20:30-34

           

             First question:  Who keeps leaving a spear in the dining room during dinner time?  Seriously, there should not be any instruments of war during meal times while Saul is in this condition.

            Both father and son end this passage staring at each other with incomprehension.  Jonathan cannot believe the monster that his father has become.  Saul cannot believe that Jonathan would choose the man who would steal his crown instead of his own family.  The anger and the frustration and the tension are palpable and there seems to be no way for them to walk back the words and actions that drove the wedge between them.  They take leave of each other.  Jonathan goes to warn David while Saul goes to plan David’s death.

            I have friends who run a youth homeless shelter.  They hear horror stories every day about life on the streets.  The chances of things going horribly wrong for a 13-year old girl on the streets are astronomical; there are very few who can be a homeless teen and emerge unscathed.  They know that when they leave home.  But what my friends hear over and over again is that kids do not run to the streets, they run from a home life that is far worse.  No one wants to be homeless, but sometimes unknown dangers are better than the alternative.

             On the one hand, I cannot imagine life with my kids being so bad that they would run away.  On the other hand, I recognize it is only by the grace of God that we have not gone there.  A few years ago, a family friend’s tween-age daughter was involved in an online writing assignment.  She found a forum of older kids who like similar things and began reading their comments.  They were filled with stories of hate-filled parents and being kicked out of the house and trying to find safety and shelter and avoiding predators.  She read story after story after story and began watching for signs that her parents would reject her.  She barely slept and lost her appetite as anxiety crashed down on her shoulders.

            My friends knew something was going on, but were not sure how much was them and how much was her and how much was just transitioning into being a teenager.  They finally talked with her and vowed that we were not looking for a reason to kick her out.  They also cut off her access to that online forum and have been working for years to rebuild some of those bridges that they did not know were burning.  There is very little that is as terrifying as the feeling that you are losing your child and do not know what to do about it.

            Saul’s relationship with Jonathan did not disintegrate in a single conversation.  It was not a single day or even a single year.  It was a long-term, gradual deterioration that was written off as having a bad day or a bad conversation or personality quirks or the pressures of work.  In the end, there was less holding them together than there was pulling them apart.  If we want to keep relationships with our children, we need to prioritize them.  Talk often. Listen more.  Share experiences.  Push them to grow and give them a safe space to crash.

            Relationships, even those with our children, are like teeth: ignore them and they will disappear.  It is true of our special needs children and just as true for our typical kids.

           

A moment to reflect:

How could you invest in your relationship with your kids this week?  Not just meeting their needs, actually growing your relationship?