March 1

Moses’ Glowing Face

                Moses came down from Mount Sinai. As he came down from the mountain with the two tablets of the covenant in his hand, Moses did not know that the skin of his face shone because he had been talking with God.  When Aaron and all the Israelites saw Moses, the skin of his face was shining, and they were afraid to come near him.  But Moses called to them; and Aaron and all the leaders of the congregation returned to him, and Moses spoke with them. Afterward all the Israelites came near, and he gave them in commandment all that the Lord had spoken with him on Mount Sinai.  When Moses had finished speaking with them, he put a veil on his face; but whenever Moses went in before the Lord to speak with him, he would take the veil off, until he came out; and when he came out, and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, the Israelites would see the face of Moses, that the skin of his face was shining; and Moses would put the veil on his face again, until he went in to speak with him.

Exodus 34:29-35

            I think that it must have been sad to be Moses.  Frustrating.  Exhilarating. Fulfilling to be sure.  But I think there was probably a lot of sadness that was included in his experience of leading the Israelites.  This was not how the story was supposed to go.  The story was supposed to have you freeing your people, seeing the Hand of God deliver you from the mightiest nation on earth and then marching to claim your birthright with a nation of warrior-poets at your back.  The story had no mention of the people’s constant complaining…or the faction who wanted to usurp your position…or how quickly they rejected God and turned to false gods.  The times with God were amazing, but every time that he had to interact with his people, it seems like sadness and anger were constant companions.

            This time he had gone up the holy mountain to talk with God again.  God forgave the golden calf fiasco and gave Moses new tablets with the law written on them.  Moses came down the mountain to celebrate with his people that God had restored them and would not abandon them.  As he descended the mountain, his brother and the leaders of the tribes saw him and ran away.  Speaking with God had transformed Moses; his face now shone and his people no longer saw their brother, their cousin, or even their leader.  They saw a prophet of the Living God who could smite them with a word.  They saw power but did not trust it and felt that the safest place was away.  Moses was left alone to celebrate God’s goodness and his people’s survival.

            You will be alone.  Not all the time, probably not even most of the time.  But there will be times when you are isolated from friends and family and work and anyone else to talk to.  It will just be you and your child and God.  Maybe it is bath time or bed time or the middle of the night as you are trying to drive kiddo to sleep.  I don’t know when it will happen, but I do know that you need to be okay during those times. 

            I’m not talking about being competent in the care and keeping of your child.  Your ability to expertly take care of them is an assumption I am willing to make.  What I am talking about is that you need to be okay on the inside with the weight of isolation.  When it is just you and your child, there is no one to affirm your character, there is no one to provide support, there is no one to offer adult conversation.  There is only you playing with your child and reading to your child and exercising your child and feeding your child and cleaning your child.  It is an intimate time that can feel deeply special…and it can be a time where you feel completely disconnected from the rest of humanity, forgotten and alone.  During these times, the entirety of your world is tied up in this one person.

            It is like sitting in a completely silent room; with a lack of stimuli our brain can flood us with questions and concerns.  Those same worries can cascade over us when we are alone with our child.  Fears about money and career.  Fears about what is next for our child.  Fears about health and nutrition and socialization and safety and…the worries can overwhelm us and fill the one-on-one time with a toxic cloud.

            We have a choice during these times.  We can live in the present or not.  In the present, we are face to face with our children.  No distractions.  No other responsibilities.  Just us and them and the beautiful brokenness that is an imperfect parent with a special needs child.  Sitting (or running) in front of you is God’s invitation for you.  One person.  Not ministries or divisions or communities or networks.  One person.  One person who is hungry for your love and attention and affirmation.  It is a strange mix of hard work and deep intimacy and creative play.

            Time alone with your child does not mean that you have done anything wrong.  Periods of isolation do not indicate that we are on the wrong path or being punished or in exile.  Moses was faithful to attend to the things that God had given him to do and he ended up by himself.  We have been given our children and sometimes when we attend to them, people and opportunities run away from us.  But we are being faithful and we know that God is with those who are faithful to Him.  God is with the two of you in that room, laughing and crying and singing together as you and your child move through these stages together.

A moment to reflect:

What do you enjoy doing with your child when no one else is around?