January 13

Cain and Abel

                   Adam made love to his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain.  She said, “With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a man. Later she gave birth to his brother Abel.  Now Abel kept flocks, and Cain worked the soil.  In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord.  And Abel also brought an offering-fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock.  The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor.  So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.  Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast?  If you do what is right, will you not be accepted?  But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”           

Genesis 3:1-7

Siblings.  The siblings of children with special needs live in a unique place.  I know that there are more positive examples of siblings in the Bible than Cain and Abel…but not many.  Most of the Biblical stories of siblings are tumultuous at best.  Cain and Abel are an extreme example, but there is a great line that I want to touch on in this passage.

Siblings of kids with special needs have to grow up quickly.  Their parents are often overwhelmed and need them to help out with the daily tasks of living.  Theirs is a life of accommodation:  trips to the doctor, trips to therapies, new diets that the family takes on, turning down parties or field trips because we had a rough night.  The life of the family can revolve around the child with special needs.  And the sibling feels that they have no right to get angry.  No one in the family chose to have cerebral palsy or autism; it just happened and we are trying to make due.  The sibling can feel powerless yet needed, desperate for love and attention yet guilty for adding more burden onto the family.  The words that God says to Cain as he looks at his brother ring true, “Sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you but you must rule over it.”

Having a sister has been the single most beneficial therapy for my son.  She is the only person in the world who does not respect his boundaries and thus forces him to interact with the world and grow.  My favorite memory of them as little kids had him sitting on the living room floor, trying to read one of his books for the 100^th time.  She was just a toddler and was leaning on his back, arms around his neck.  They rocked back and forth while he tried to keep his balance so he could stay in his book, but eventually they fell over and made eye contact and laughed together.  She literally pulled him out of his head to interact with the world.

I like to think that having a brother on the spectrum has been good for her as well. He has taught her tenderness and compassion.  He has taught her to value diversity and see the marginalized.  However, I am aware that there is opportunity for her to lash out in order to be seen and heard and valued.  That is the parenting challenge: showing her that she is a valued and cherished child in the family while still making sure that the boy has what he needs to grow.  This has looked different in different seasons of her life, but it generally follows a few guidelines:

·         Give them unique spheres.  Different teachers, different sports, different experiences.  This helps her establish her own identity instead of coming in as “His Sister.”

·         1-on-1 time.  Even if it is just bedtime prayers, nothing says “valued and special” to a child like time alone with the parents and having some inside jokes.

·         Lots of family time:  Let her watch how my wife and I handle life and autism

·         Clear Boundaries.  The sibling is not the parent.  They do not need to be involved in discipline or development.  Their relationship is complicated enough without muddying the power dynamics.

Sin may be lurking at the door, but there are a number of resources that we can give to our typical children that enable them to refuse it.  They simply need to know, deeply know, that they are loved and valued for who they are, not just as an ancillary support for their sibling.

A moment to reflect:

Let us be very clear.  This is not an opportunity to heap guilt and shame onto our heads.  This is not a criticism on how you deal with your typical children.  This is not intended to add more responsibilities, pressures and stresses onto your back.  If that is what you are hearing, close this page, go back to January 1^st and sit in the reality of God’s delight in each and every one of his children, including you.

If you are still here, spend a couple of minutes thinking about your typical children.  How has God crafted them and blessed them?  How can you show them that they are loved and valued today? 

Refrigerator Art of the Day:

D age 8