March 6

Marriage

            In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, because we are members of his body.  “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”  This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church. Each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband.

Ephesians 5:28-33

            There was a study that came out several years ago stating that parents of special needs kids get divorced at an astronomical 80% rate.  I heard about that soon after we found out about my son’s diagnosis.  It chilled me to my core.  I was overwhelmed in parenting when we outnumbered the child; I could not comprehend trying to be everything that my son needed if I were to be on my own.  More current studies have pumped the brakes on those conclusions and state that actually the numbers are pretty close to the national average, maybe 10% higher.

            It makes sense that the divorce rates are higher for Special Needs Parents.  Marriage is hard.  Parenting is hard.  Parenting a child with special needs is exceptionally hard.  No one goes into marriage planning on having a child with special needs.  No one hopes for or plans for their kid to have a birth defect.  No one is prepared.  Yet you find yourself with a baby that needs all of you and more.  You and your spouse take turns sleeping.  You take turns caring for the child.  I would drive my crying son in circles for hours throughout the night so that my wife could get a little bit of rest.  Between employment, child care, house work, medical appointments, church and everything else it is easy, so very easy to drift away from your spouse.  It is especially easy to do when disability triggers issues and emotions that you did not even knew that you had.  Is it my fault that my son has autism?  Is it okay to be weak or to need help? 

            Years ago I read a speech from Pat Riley, a famous basketball coach, and one thing stuck with me.  “What do you get when you squeeze an orange?” he asked his players.  They looked confused, trying to think of how to respond other than the obvious answer.  “Orange juice.”  Whenever pressure is applied to people, whatever resides within them becomes apparent on the outside.  Insecurity comes out.  Compassion comes out.  Arrogance comes out.  Laziness comes out.  Whatever we have living inside of us emerges when we are placed under intense circumstances…and there are few circumstances that have more pressure and intensity than being a parent of a special needs child.

            You may not recognize the person that you married.  They never used to get angry this quickly.  They were not this sad when we were dating.  They drink a lot more than when we first got married.  There were things that they were keeping under control that they just do not have the strength to hide anymore.

            The good news is that God is the great healer, the only one capable of transforming hearts.  And the only time that humans tend to come to Him for healing is when they have come to the end of their rope and are no longer able to deal with their inner demons.  Pray for your spouse.  Encourage them to talk to a pastor or a counselor about the things that are emerging and actively pursue their own healing.  This parenting journey is hard enough to navigate when you have two healthy adults.  When one part of our body is injured, the other parts try to compensate and usually we end up developing multiple injuries. As Paul says to the Ephesians, marriage is the mystery of two becoming one.  When one is suffering, the entire family suffers.

A special note for readers who are already separated:

            I am so sorry.  This is not an easy road that you are on.  You’ve been burned by bad relationships in the past and are working like crazy to try to make sure that your kids have everything that they need.  A couple of encouragements for you:

·         Don’t try to go it alone.  Find friends, family, and support groups who can give you the encouragement, resources, and childcare respite that you need.  I know it is hard to trust other people, but this support is something that is vital for both you and your child.

·         Don’t give in to bitterness.  Remember that we are always modeling for our kids.  Choose hope and joy over bitterness and anger.  Your ex need not hold power over you through your holding onto a grudge.  You, and your child, can be free to move forward in your lives.

A moment to reflect:

Pray for your spouse.  How can you help them become the healthiest version of themselves?