3/2/21

 Grandparents

Grandchildren are the crown of the aged, and the glory of children is their parents.

Proverbs 17:6

             My son had a chance to attend some extended learning summer sessions during his early elementary school years.  A half day of social skill work and academic tutoring and social skill work and physical exercise and snack and…did I mention social skill work?  They were good opportunities for him to have some routine in his summer and get some good, supervised instruction.  And it was great for us as parents to be able to have a respite from the care and correction of our son for a few hours per week.  What struck me as I picked him up each day after class was how many adults were in the parking lot who were far to old to be the parents of these kids.  The calls of “Grandma!” and “Grandpa!” rang across the grounds as everyone was being dismissed. 

            A family with a special needs child is not restricted to parents and siblings.  Often there is too much work, too many scheduling conflicts, too many appointments to be handled by just one household.  There are often uncles and aunts and cousins who help out and family friends who become like kin.  But what I have found is that the extended family members who are most involved are the grandparents.  They can help with rides, with some meals, with watching the kids for a while and with giving us parents someone who will listen to us.  There are limited people that I can talk to that understand both my deep love for my son and the frustration and helplessness that I wrestle with at the same time.  My wife and I would have drowned under the weight of our responsibilities if we had not lived in the same community as my parents.  They saved our sanity and our bank account on multiple occasions and I am deeply grateful.

            In some cases, the grandparents are not involved in our children’s lives.  Sometimes that is because of our broken relationships with our parents; one or both of the sides have chosen to have no contact.  Those are always sad stories to hear because family is supposed to be one of the fundamental ways that we learn unconditional love.  If you are in one of these situations, all that I can say is that God is with you.  Pray for your parents.  Be wise with your children; you can only be an attentive and caring parent to either your children or to your folks.  You cannot do both at the same time.  Peace and miracles be to you and your family.

            In other cases, grandparents are not involved in our children’s lives because they don’t know how.  They love you.  They love the kids.  But they don’t know how to be with them.  None of their parenting strategies seem to work and they don’t want to make a tenuous situation worse.  Grandparents are supposed to have all the answers, be able to fill in all the gaps.  Sometimes our children provide so much challenge and our parents have such limited time in contact with them that our parents just do not engage.  It can be heartbreaking to feel that our mom and dad do not care for our beloved child and it makes us feel even more isolated than before.

            The good news is that these relationships are long term.  Your parents will be your parents through the end of their days.  Your child will be your child through the end of their days.  There is time to build bridges and to come up with creative ways for them to engage with each other.  Here are a couple of simple on-ramps to relationship that can help bridge the gaps between the generations.

·         Find a shared interest that they could do together.  Cooking, hiking, bowling…whatever.  If they can both enjoy an activity while they are around each other, that can spark connection.

·         Set realistic expectations for family visits.  Visits do not need to be perfect.  Trying to make everything go right usually results in everyone feeling more stressed out.  Organize your trip so that your child is in a good headspace as much as possible and invite your parent to join you in that.  This will be much more effective than revolving your trip around your parent and hoping your child will be flexible.

·         Give everyone their own space.  One of the best tips I have ever heard.  Whether it is a room to themselves or a separate hotel, allow both our parents and our kids a space where they can be comfortable and not have to be “on.”

There are plenty of other tips and tricks to helping build bridges between the generations, but these are a great place to start.  Your parents and your children can have a great relationship, but it will take some time and intentionality.

A moment to reflect:

How could you compose the next time that your child spends time with your parents so that the time is centered around your child but it is also accessible to your parents?